08.25

ur a writer, harry

everything in me craves writing a finished book, but like most who write for hobby, i've never done it. every time i read something written by someone else i have this little surge of inspiration. despite that, i never get far. i can write good oneshots like no one's business or maybe three chapters of something. writing more chapters and even finishing a story? please. my hands don't like me that much.

i've started quite a few stories over time. i always start out with solid vibes and banger dialogue, but it never lasts. where the fuck is my plot? i sure as hell don't know. and how the heck do you even end it? can't figure that out without figuring out the plot and making sure there are no plot holes that people will pick apart. i'm such a perfectionist that it kills my creativity. many have authored books probably because they ignored plot holes in favour of finishing their story. me? i'm thinking of my story from all sides, so i find holes before i even write anything. then, i have to plug those holes. but plugging them takes a lot of thinking and even research. sometimes, i wish i wasn't so thinky.

08.15

so damn bored

with everything. life in general is hella boring to me right now. i'm still waiting for my joy pills (zoloft) to work. it's gonna take a bit to develop, but i'm hoping i come out on the other side more invested in life than i am right now. i told my psych i have basically no motivation to do even my typical hobbies and that's my main concern. we agreed to give it a month to see how i do with the current setup.

there are some good things, of course.

fashion expansion

i've managed to order myself a small wardrobe update. i'm going for something cyber/tenshi kaiwai inspired. mainly blue, white, grey, silver, black. cinnamoroll. i'm really excited to get my stuff and start dressing in it daily. it's not a ton, but it all fits the aesthetic i had in mind!





i guess my version of this style is less frilly/fancy, so there aren't any skirts, maid dresses, or anything like that. this stuff looks nice and comfy. i think i'll retire some of my other clothing after receiving this addition. a lot of stuff i wear is very utility (aka gotta wear it so i won't be naked), so i'm not super attached to it.

08.10

decline

last entry i mentioned that my dreams have become more vivid. guess i was right. they're consistently memorable. that's not what this entire entry will be about, though.

socializing

i'm in a social decline at the moment. started out strong with some penpals and using the Tandem app to chat with people, but it's going downhill again. every day i think about how i should get back to my e-penpals, but i roll over and go to sleep instead. or fuck around on my phone. the sleepiness from my medications isn't helping either.
it's a bit bummy to be so terribly introverted at times. 'cause i like talking to some people, but that's not enough to make me continue to do so.

art

been trying to draw with not much success. done little things here and there. i'm seriously unsatisfied. it used to be so much easier to draw before i got so stressed. it's like all the bad stuff ripped away my artist title. over the years, i've tried rekindling things, but it still is so tough. working on simplifying my style as to make things easier on me. it's still not going to best, but i'll keep trying.

07.18

adjustments

i'm not sure if i should say i've been "under a lot of stress" lately or not since being stressed became my default state of being ages ago. the whole "fraudulent charges on my card" thing made this month suck a bit, but it's whatever. after calling and what not, things are back in order.
so, i only have to pay my own balance now. woo. that was a handful.

yesterday was alright

went to the store to pick up refills for my zoloft and zyprexa blands (are they called generics? think so), but ended up not being able to because my psychiatrist rejected them. i had a virtual appointment with her the same day, so that's probably why. ended up doing the appt while standing outside of Walmart LOL she asked why i was outside. it wasn't too bad, though. went quickly. she upped the zy to see if it'd help since i still feel quite "meh" most the time. i hope it helps.



pretty sure my current lineup is giving me more vivid and memorable dreams. i haven't written all of them down, but there have definitely been more. my dream well nearly dried up a few years ago, unfortunately, but it's good to see my brain opening up again.
my main focus is being able to work consistently like i used to, and being able to draw more often/better. there's no guarantee the art thing will happen, but my fingers are crossed. i have been working better the past few days since i started frontloading like i used to. using a checklist for my daily routine helps, too.

despite that, today hasn't gone that well for work because i am extremely sleepy. i logged in to get some stuff done, but it didn't last long. i've been yawning and tearing up all day. that usually makes it very difficult to see because my eyes are so watery and blurry. idk. maybe i should rest for the day.

07.18

new diary

my main blog on the front page is cool, but i felt the need for a separate space. idk, it feels a bit awkward to share more personal stuff on the home page of my site... it is my webbed site, but that doesn't mean i don't want it to be clean for others. i think it's cool to share the space, yknow?

so, i reskinned my devlog to make this. i think it's super cute. i made the bg in procreate pretty quickly using my crumble brush :oB do you like it? here's the background PNG if you want to use it, too:



if you do use it, pls consider either mentioning me or letting me know! i really wanna see how it turns out! i think it's so cute.


i guess i'lll end up making an actual entry after this one.